I cancelled my cloud storage. It was about three dollars a month, or roughly thirty-six dollars a year. I moved the important files to my laptop and the less important files to a folder called Later.
Donna asked what I planned to do with the money. I said I had a list. She asked how many things were on the list. I said the list was a living document. She said that was not a number.
about two million dollars. Shark rating 0.4.
The cloud is a place my files go. A submarine is a place I can go. If I am going to trust a metaphor, I should be able to look out the window. Donna said no before I finished. I told her the sentence was going to include a periscope.
about twelve million dollars. Shark rating 0.4.
Offsite backup should be offsite. An island is offsite with a beach. I would keep the tax returns in one coconut and the wedding photos in a different coconut. I have thought about the coconuts.
about fifty million dollars. Shark rating 0.5.
The simplest way to replace cloud storage is to own the cloud. I would run one rack for family photos and one rack for the folder called Later. Donna asked who would maintain it. I said we would hire a guy. She asked who would pay the guy. I said the cloud would.
about eight hundred thousand dollars. Shark rating 0.5.
A blimp is aerial storage. It stays above the house. If there is a flood, the files are fine. I would paint our name on the side so we could find it. The name would be Steve’s Cloud. That is clear and not confusing.
about three million dollars. Shark rating 0.6.
A silo is cold, deep, and unlikely to be bothered by guests. That is what I want from a backup. I do not want a backup that wants to chat. Donna said we are not buying a silo. I said I had not mentioned the elevator yet.
about two million dollars. Shark rating 0.6.
Cold storage is a real term. Antarctica is cold storage at scale. I would rotate the drives with the seasons. The seasons there are one long winter and a brief apology.
about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.7.
A goat can eat paper backups, which keeps the house tidy. I would not store anything important on the goat. I would store the things I regret printing. The goat would also be a conversation piece, and conversations are a kind of storage.
about three thousand dollars. Shark rating 0.8.
A pony can carry a hard drive to a neighbor’s house. That is offsite backup with legs. Donna asked why the neighbor would accept the drive. I said the pony would wait. She said that was not a plan. I said the pony was the plan.
about one hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.1.
A small balloon with a hard drive is cloud storage that is also technically in the sky. The balloon does not need a password if nobody can reach it. That is security through altitude. I would tie it to the mailbox.
about twenty thousand dollars. Shark rating 1.2.
A hot air balloon is the family version of the helium balloon. We could all go up and wave at the files. Donna asked if the files would wave back. I said that depended on the wind. She did not laugh. I think she was thinking about it.
about three hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.3.
A weather balloon goes higher than a party balloon and comes with a sense of purpose. I would attach a drive and a note that says, Please do not open until I am ready. If it lands in a field, that is a remote location. Remote is good for backups.
about eight hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.4.
If the cloud is in the water, I should be able to reach it. Scuba gear makes me part of the infrastructure. Donna asked what I would do if I found the cloud. I said I would introduce myself.
about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.5.
A metal detector helps me find drives that fell out of balloons. It is not a backup system. It is a backup to the backup system. I would carry it on the beach and look serious.
about five hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.6.
A drone can fly a flash drive from the kitchen to the garage. That is a network. It is a slow network with a camera, but it is mine. I would name it Server Two. Server One is the laptop. Server Two would need a landing pad.
about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.8.
A satellite dish points at the sky. The cloud is in the sky. This is not complicated. Donna said the cloud is not literally in the sky. I said that sounds like something a satellite dish would say.
about three hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.9.
A HAM radio lets me transmit files to strangers. That is basically social media, but I control the antenna. If the internet goes down, I can still send the folder called Later to a man in Ohio. He may not want it. That is his problem.
about one thousand dollars. Shark rating 2.1.
A server rack is a place to put the home cloud. It has rails and screws and a sense of order. I would put it in the basement next to the holiday decorations. Donna said the basement floods. I said the rack would be tall. That is not a solution, but it is a direction.
about three hundred dollars. Shark rating 2.4.
This is the actual replacement for cloud storage. It sits on the shelf and holds the files. It does not charge me every month. It does not send me emails about storage limits. It just sits there. Donna asked if it would need maintenance. I said less than a pony.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 2.6.
Zip disks are a middle step between floppy disks and a real plan. I would label them by year and keep them in a shoebox. The shoebox is later on the list. This is called building an ecosystem.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 2.8.
Floppy disks are a historical backup. I would keep one for the tax returns and twelve for the wedding photos. Each photo would need its own disk. That is not practical, but it is memorable. Donna said memorable is not a storage plan. I said memorable is how we got here.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 3.0.
A spindle of CDs is a physical cloud. It is round and shiny and holds less than I remember. I would burn the tax returns and the first six months of the folder called Later. Then I would put the spindle on a shelf and feel like the year 2003.
about eighteen dollars. Shark rating 3.1.
DVDs hold more than CDs. That is progress. I would burn the family videos and write the dates on them with a marker. The marker is not included. I would buy the marker separately, which is another line on the list.
about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 3.2.
A tape drive is what serious people used before they had serious clouds. I would put the tax returns on tape and the tapes in a safe. The safe is later on the list. This is called a system.
about eighty dollars. Shark rating 3.3.
An external hard drive is the classic. I plug it in, I move the files, I unplug it. Then I put it in a drawer. The drawer is the cloud. The drawer is also a drawer. This is the kind of thinking that saves money.
about ten dollars. Shark rating 3.4.
A flash drive fits on a keychain. If the house is on fire, I can grab the keys and the photos. I would label it Important. I would label the other one Less Important. The less important one would still be important. That is how labels work.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 3.5.
A memory card is small enough to lose and valuable enough to miss. That makes it a backup with stakes. I would keep one in the camera and one in a bowl by the door. The bowl would be the disaster recovery site.
about one hundred dollars. Shark rating 3.8.
A fireproof safe protects the physical backups from the thing that would destroy them. I would keep the drives, the tapes, and the important documents inside. Donna asked if I would remember the combination. I said I would write it down and put it in the safe. She walked away.
about eighty dollars. Shark rating 4.0.
A filing cabinet is cloud storage with drawers. It does not need Wi-Fi. It does not need a password. It needs a label on the front that says Family. I would also label the second drawer Taxes. The third drawer would be Mystery.
about eight dollars. Shark rating 4.1.
An accordion folder keeps paper organized and makes a satisfying sound when it opens. I would use it for receipts, warranties, and the things I printed by mistake. It is portable storage. It fits under the seat of the car. That is offsite backup for people who do not own a pony.
about twelve dollars. Shark rating 4.2.
A box of manila folders means I can stop putting everything in one pile. The pile has been the system for years. The pile has limits. The folders would give the pile structure. Donna said the folders only work if I use them. I said that was a pessimistic way to look at office supplies.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 4.3.
A label maker turns a box of mess into a system. Every drive gets a name. Every folder gets a date. Every shelf gets a purpose. I would label the label maker so I could find it. That is not a joke. That is inventory.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 4.4.
A laminator protects the paper that matters. The emergency contact list. The wifi password. The note that says where the external hard drive is. I would laminate the note and then lose the note. At least it would be waterproof.
about fifty dollars. Shark rating 4.5.
A paper shredder is security for the paper backups I no longer need. Old bank statements, old receipts, old passwords I wrote on a napkin. The napkin was not a good system. The shredder makes sure nobody else inherits the bad system.
about eight dollars. Shark rating 4.6.
A stapler keeps related pages together. That is a small version of a folder. The folder is a small version of a cabinet. The cabinet is a large version of a stapler. I explained this to Donna. She asked if I was done. I said I was not.
about six dollars. Shark rating 4.7.
A three-ring binder holds the printed documents that I want to keep. I would make one binder for insurance and one binder for the house. The binders would sit on a shelf and look official. Official is a kind of backup.
about four dollars. Shark rating 4.8.
Index cards are for the files I need to find quickly. I would write the name of each folder on a card and keep the cards in a box. The box is not on the list yet. I am aware of the gap.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 4.8.
A desk lamp helps me see the papers I am organizing. Without it, I lean close to the desk and complain about the dark. The lamp is not storage. The lamp is the reason storage can happen after sunset. Donna said that was reasonable. I wrote that down.
about ten dollars. Shark rating 4.9.
A wall calendar tracks when I last backed things up. I would write Backup on the first Sunday of the month. Then I would see it every day and feel accountable. The calendar does not store files. It stores guilt. Guilt is a powerful organizing tool.
about six dollars. Shark rating 4.9.
A notebook holds the passwords, the folder names, and the plan. I would keep it in a drawer and not tell anyone where the drawer is. Donna said she lives here. I said I would tell her eventually.
about four dollars. Shark rating 4.9.
Pencils let me write labels that I can change. A pen is permanent. A pencil understands that plans change. I would keep a cup of pencils on the desk next to the notebook. The cup is not on the list. I am trying to be disciplined.
about two dollars. Shark rating 5.0.
A pen is for the labels I am sure about. I would write Backup on the calendar and Family on the binder. The pen is small, useful, and does not require a monthly fee. Donna said that was the first thing on the list that made sense. I said the list was not over.
about three dollars. Shark rating 5.0.
A shoebox holds the index cards, the pens, and the cables I do not need. It is a container. Containers are the foundation of any storage plan. I would label the shoebox Cards and Cables. Then I would need another label. The label maker is already on the list.
about five dollars. Shark rating 5.0.
Envelopes hold receipts by month. I would write the month on the front and put them in the filing cabinet. This is simple. This is cheap. This is the kind of thing that makes Donna stop asking questions. She asked one question. It was, Why are envelopes after the shoebox? I said the list has a flow.
about twelve dollars. Shark rating 5.0.
Socks are not cloud storage. They are storage for feet. They keep the feet warm while I sit at the laptop and move files from one folder to another. Donna said this was the first thing on the list that made sense. I said I had more socks on the list. She said just buy the socks.