I cancelled YouTube Premium. It was about fourteen dollars a month, roughly one hundred and sixty-eight dollars a year. I did not cancel it because I stopped watching videos. I cancelled it because I will not sit through ads for things I do not need. I have strong opinions about screens. I have had them for a while. Now I have money, and Donna has asked for the list.
about four thousand dollars. Shark rating 0.4.
A billboard is a screen that only shows what I want. No ads. The neighbors will see my opinions about ads. Donna says the neighbors already know my opinions. The neighbors are not the target audience. The target audience is everyone else. Donna will see it from the driveway. That is the problem.
about twelve thousand dollars. Shark rating 0.5.
This is not about television. This is about screens. A screened-in porch is a room made of screens. I can sit inside it and think about ads. Donna says we do not have a porch. We have a yard. A yard is a porch that has not been screened in yet.
about nine hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.7.
The ads are the reason I cannot enjoy a movie at home. A popcorn machine makes the movie feel official. If the movie feels official, I can ignore the fact that I am watching it on a laptop. Donna says we have a microwave. A microwave is not a popcorn machine. It is a microwave.
about six thousand dollars. Shark rating 0.6.
At this size, the ads will be too big to miss. That is not the point. The point is that the good parts will also be big. I can see the good parts and the ads. I can practice patience. Donna says we already have a TV. We have a TV that shows ads. This is a TV that shows ads bigger.
about three thousand dollars. Shark rating 0.5.
One screen is a window. Nine screens are a command center. I can watch one thing and monitor eight other things. None of those things will be ads, because I will not allow it. Donna said, “We are not putting a video wall in the living room.” I said, “Not with that attitude.”
about four hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.7.
I do some of my best thinking in the bathroom. Right now that thinking is wasted. A small TV would let me think about screens while I am away from screens. Donna says people do not need TVs in the bathroom. People also did not need phones in the bathroom. Now look at us.
about three hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.9.
The garage is where I go to avoid ads. There is no TV in the garage, so I just stand there. A TV would give me something to avoid. This is a system.
about two hundred and fifty dollars. Shark rating 1.0.
Cooking is a screen activity now. I do not make the rules. I just follow them. A kitchen TV means I can watch a person cook while I cook. That person may have ads. I will mute them. Donna says I already burn things. I say a screen will distract me from the burning.
Projector for the bedroom ceiling
about eight hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.1.
I want to lie on my back and watch a movie on the ceiling. This is not lazy. This is ergonomic. My neck has opinions. The ceiling is the only screen that does not require me to sit up. Donna says the ceiling is for sleeping. The ceiling is for whatever I project onto it.
about one thousand two hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.9.
Old movies did not have ads before them. They had newsreels. Newsreels are not ads if they are old enough. I can set up a film projector and watch things the way they were meant to be watched. Donna asks where I will get film reels. I will get them. That is not the issue.
Recliner with a built-in cooler
about one thousand eight hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.7.
If I am going to watch a screen, I need to be comfortable. If I am comfortable, I need a beverage. If I have a beverage, I need it to be cold. This recliner solves three problems. Donna says I can just get up. Getting up is the original ad break.
Mini fridge for the living room
about three hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.2.
The kitchen is far from the couch. I have measured this with my legs. A mini fridge closes the gap. It also gives me a place to put the popcorn. Donna says the living room is not a kitchen. The living room is a room where I live. I am allowed to live there.
about five hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.1.
This is decorative. It is also a statement. The statement is that I am a shark, and I own a TV. Donna says it is an eyesore. I say it is a conversation piece. The conversation will be about the TV stand, not the ads.
about sixty dollars. Shark rating 0.9.
When an ad comes on, I need to express myself. The megaphone lets me express myself to the whole house. Donna says I can just say it. I say the megaphone says it better. She has asked me not to use it during her calls.
about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.2.
This router blocks ads before they reach the screen. It is a screen filter for the whole house. Donna says the router works fine. I say the router works for the ads. There is a difference.
about eighty dollars. Shark rating 1.4.
I can build my own ad blocker on this. I do not know how yet. That is what the internet is for. The internet also has ads. I will block those too. Donna says I will spend a weekend on this and then forget it. A weekend is cheaper than a year of YouTube Premium.
about one hundred and fifty dollars. Shark rating 0.8.
If the internet cannot reach the router, the ads cannot reach me. This is the nuclear option. Donna says it will also stop the internet. I say that is the point. She says she needs the internet for work. I say we can work around it.
Universal remote the size of a keyboard
about two hundred and fifty dollars. Shark rating 1.3.
I have many devices. Each device has its own remote. A big remote can replace all of them. It has buttons for things I do not own yet. That is called future-proofing. Donna says I will lose it. I will lose it in a bigger place.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 1.6.
This is where the remotes live when they are not lost. It has slots. Each slot has a purpose. The purpose is to delay the losing. Donna says I will still lose them. She is not wrong. She is also not helpful.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 2.0.
If the remotes are labeled, I will know which one is which. This saves time. Time is money. Money is what I used to spend on YouTube Premium. Donna says I can just look at the remote. I say labels are faster.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 1.8.
I need to map the ad breaks. If I know when they are coming, I can prepare. I can leave the room, get a snack, or stare at the wall. The whiteboard makes the ad breaks predictable. Donna says I am overthinking it. I say I am underprepared.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 2.1.
I can time the ads. If an ad is longer than usual, I can write it down. If it is shorter, I can also write it down. The stopwatch gives me data. Donna says data will not make the ads go away. Data is how we make things go away.
about twelve dollars. Shark rating 2.4.
The whiteboard is for big ideas. The notebook is for details. I will log every ad, every product, and every time I felt something. This is a record. Donna says I do not need a record. I say records are how you win.
about fifty dollars. Shark rating 2.0.
I can add up the minutes I have lost to ads. The tape will show the total. I can hand the tape to Donna. She can see the cost. She says I am retired from math. I say this is not math. This is evidence.
about seventy dollars. Shark rating 1.9.
The ad logs need to last. If they are laminated, they cannot be ripped. If they cannot be ripped, they cannot be ignored. Donna says no one is ripping my ad logs. I say not yet.
about one hundred and eighty dollars. Shark rating 1.5.
The laminated logs need a home. A filing cabinet is that home. It has drawers. Each drawer can hold a different kind of ad. Donna says we have a filing cabinet. We have a filing cabinet for taxes. This is for ads.
about one hundred dollars. Shark rating 2.3.
Sometimes the ad logs become too powerful. When that happens, I need to destroy them. A shredder is for security. Donna says I just created the logs. I say a shark plans ahead.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 3.0.
I need to limit my screen time. This timer will tell me when to stop. I will set it for a reasonable amount. If I ignore it, that is between me and the timer. Donna says I will ignore it. I say the timer is very loud.
about thirty-five dollars. Shark rating 2.8.
If the remote is locked away, I cannot turn on the TV. This is a commitment device. I will keep the key in a safe place. The safe place will be another box. Donna says I cannot lock up the remote and then ask her where the remote is. I say that is a separate system.
about sixty dollars. Shark rating 2.7.
This lock box has a timer. It will not open until the time is up. This is for the remote. This is also for my phone. This is for anything that has a screen. Donna says I will just watch the kitchen safe. The kitchen safe has a small screen. I will deal with that later.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 3.5.
A dirty screen makes the ads look worse. A clean screen makes everything look better. This kit has a spray and a cloth. It is not exciting. It is necessary. Donna says the screen is already clean. I say it has seen things.
about ten dollars. Shark rating 4.0.
One cloth is never enough. I need a stack. I need one for the TV, one for the laptop, and one for the phone. If I mix them up, I will start a war with myself. Donna says I am hoarding cloths. I say I am preparing for smudges.
about eight dollars. Shark rating 4.2.
These are for travel. I do not travel much. When I do, I notice screens. They are everywhere. A wipe is a small way to take control. Donna says I can use a cloth. I say wipes are for when the cloth is unavailable.
about ten dollars. Shark rating 4.1.
Dust gets into the keyboard. Dust gets into the vents. Dust is not an ad, but it is an enemy. Compressed air is how I fight back. Donna says I can use a vacuum. I say the vacuum is for floors.
about eight dollars. Shark rating 4.3.
The cables behind the TV are a mess. A mess makes me anxious. Anxious is how I end up watching ads. Cable ties fix the mess. They also fix the cables. Donna says the cables were fine. The cables were not fine.
about twelve dollars. Shark rating 4.2.
The cable ties are step one. The sleeve is step two. It hides the cables. If I cannot see the cables, I cannot think about the cables. I can think about the screen. This is progress. Donna says no one looks behind the TV. I look behind the TV.
about ten dollars. Shark rating 4.5.
I need a spare. A spare HDMI cable is the difference between watching something and not watching something. It is also the difference between a good mood and a bad mood. Donna says we have three. We have three that are in use. A spare is not in use. This is a cable. It is hard to be angry about a cable.
Power strip with surge protection
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 4.6.
All these devices need power. Power needs protection. A surge can take out the TV and the router and the Raspberry Pi. Then I have no ads, but I also have no screens. Donna says this is sensible. I write that down.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 4.4.
If I have an antenna, I can watch broadcast TV. Broadcast TV has ads. That is true. But it is free. Free ads are different from paid ads. I cancelled a subscription to avoid paid ads. This is a loophole. Donna says it is still ads. I say it is still free.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 4.7.
I do not need the keyboard-sized remote. I need one that works. This one turns the TV on and off. It changes the volume. It does not have buttons for devices I do not own. Donna says this is the first reasonable thing on the list. I say the list is not over.
Rechargeable batteries for the remote
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 4.8.
The remote needs batteries. Rechargeable batteries mean I do not buy batteries every month. That is a subscription I also cancelled. Donna says I never cancelled a battery subscription. I say I cancelled it in spirit.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 4.9.
My eyes are tired from screens. Reading glasses help me read things that are not screens. They also help me read the TV guide. The TV guide is a paper screen. Donna says I should just get my eyes checked. I say these are temporary. They are not temporary.
about ten dollars. Shark rating 5.0.
A book has no ads. A book has no screen. A book has no subscription. A book waits for me. I can put it down and pick it up. Donna says I will not read it. I say I will read it during the ad breaks. That is the point.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 5.0.
My feet get cold when I sit still. Sitting still is what I do when I watch a screen that is not showing ads. The socks are not about ads. The socks are about circulation. Donna says, “Just buy the socks.” I bought the socks. I also bought a book light. That is not on the list.