I cancelled my gym membership. It was about forty dollars a month, which is roughly four hundred and eighty dollars a year, which is the exact amount of money I now need to spend on equipment so I never have to go back there.
Donna asked why I could not just keep going to the gym. I explained that the gym has a parking situation, and a locker room smell, and a man named Gerald who does not wipe down the machine. At home I control all of that. At home there is no Gerald. At home there is only me, my garage, and a vision.
She said the garage does not have room. I said the garage has not yet been asked.
Here is what I could buy instead.
about two thousand four hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.4.
This is the anchor purchase. Without it the home gym is just a garage with feelings. The reformer provides a full body workout on a moving carriage, which means I am not just exercising, I am being transported. Donna has twice told me not to buy this. She said it in the kitchen, and then she said it again in a louder voice from the stairs. I have written it down somewhere. The point is a reformer costs less than two years of gym membership if you do not think about it in years.
about three thousand eight hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.5.
Recovery is the part nobody talks about. I would be doing a lot of recovery. The pod goes in the corner of the garage and it plugs into the wall and it costs roughly eight years of gym dues, but it also replaces the steam room at the gym, which I never used, which means I am actually saving money by being honest about what I want. Donna said the word “pod” like it was a bad word. I said it back to her, calmly, like a good word.
Full squat rack with cable crossover attachment
about one thousand nine hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.7.
This is the centerpiece, the thing that makes it a facility. Squat rack on one side, cable crossover on the other, so I can walk between them and look like a person with a program. The garage ceiling is not high enough for the full rack. The garage ceiling can be raised. I have looked into it in a general way.
about three thousand two hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.6.
A gym treadmill is the same as a home treadmill except at home I choose the music and nobody is waiting. Donna pointed out that I do not run. I told her I run in the winter, and this is winter, and I am ready. She asked what I did last winter. I said I was resting, which is a phase of training, which is a real thing, which she could look up.
about nine hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.1.
The assault bike is a fan bike. You pedal and the fan fights you. That is the whole design. It is on the list because everyone at the gym hates it and the only way to beat your enemies is to buy one and put it in your own house and win. This is a smaller purchase and therefore a smaller risk and I do not know why Donna is not more pleased with me for it.
about one hundred and twenty dollars. Shark rating 0.9.
Rope climbs build the back, the grip, and the work ethic. I would hang it from the beam. There is a beam. I have not confirmed what the beam holds up. This is a minor detail and it can be addressed after the rope is delivered, since the rope is the thing that makes me feel like a man on a ship.
Set of bumper plates, three hundred pounds
about six hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.4.
Bumper plates are quiet, which means I can drop them, which means I can lift heavier, because the fear of noise is what has been holding me back. I do not have a bar yet. The bar is coming. This is how a program is built, one piece at a time, over a period of years, without prompting.
Platform, three by six feet, oak plywood
about four hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.6.
You cannot drop bumper plates on a garage floor without a platform, because the floor will crack, and then we have a foundation problem, and then Donna is upset. So the platform is actually a form of protecting her. I framed it that way and she said nothing and I am counting that as a yes.
Rubber flooring rolls, half inch
about five hundred dollars. Shark rating 2.0.
The whole garage floor gets covered, wall to wall, in rubber matting. The cars go in the driveway. The cars have been in the driveway before and they seemed fine with it. Donna says her car does not have opinions and I should stop assigning them.
about seven hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.8.
Form checking is the reason, but honestly the mirrors also make the garage feel bigger and better and more like a place where a person would want to spend an hour. I know how that sounds. It is still true.
about six hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.3.
This solves the cable problem if the ceiling gets raised, which it will, and it also solves the storage problem, because now the useless machines hang above the other useless machines and the floor stays clear. That is called efficiency.
about two thousand two hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.8.
Yes, I already listed a squat rack with a cable attachment. The functional trainer is a different machine with a different purpose, which is that it has two stacks instead of one. Nobody has been able to explain to me why I should not own both. Until that explanation arrives, both stay on the list.
about one thousand four hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.9.
Legs are half the body. I will not be doing lunges in front of the neighbors in the driveway, because the leg press removes the need. This is a machine that takes a person who cannot run and turns them into a person who can claim they do leg press.
about one thousand one hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.2.
The row is the best lift. Everyone says this. The row is also the one I can do while seated, which means I can do it while tired, which means I will do it more often. This is not laziness, this is access.
about one thousand three hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.0.
Chest day needs a machine. Chest day without a machine is just a man on the floor. I will not be that man.
Lat pulldown and low row combo
about nine hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.5.
This is the machine I would have used at the gym if Gerald had ever finished with it. Now Gerald cannot take it from me, because it is in my garage, and Gerald is not welcome in my garage.
about eight hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.4.
Hamstrings are the part people skip. I am not going to be the person who skips the part people skip. I am going to skip nothing, on a machine built for the specific purpose of not skipping.
Incline bench and flat bench, adjustable
about seven hundred dollars. Shark rating 2.1.
Two benches so I can superset without getting up. The getting up is the slow part. If we remove the getting up we remove the entire reason I stopped going to the gym, which was that it took too long once you counted the getting up.
Dumbbell set with storage rack
about one thousand two hundred dollars. Shark rating 2.2.
Five to fifty pounds, two of each, on a rack. Donna asked where the rack goes. I said where the cars used to go. She asked where the cars go. I reminded her that the cars do not have opinions.
about four hundred dollars. Shark rating 2.4.
Kettlebells are for swings, carries and athletic movement, and also for standing near on a shelf so people know you have them. I will use them. I will use them for swings, mostly. Sometimes for carrying.
Olympic barbell, Texas power bar
about four hundred dollars. Shark rating 2.6.
The bar is the single most important object in the facility, which is a confusing thing to say since I listed it thirty items in. It got here when it got here. Bars bend, and a cheap bar bends, and a bent bar is a betrayal.
about three hundred dollars. Shark rating 2.8.
The trap bar is the safe deadlift. Donna has expressed concern about my back, which was a real concern, and this is my official response to it. She cannot be worried about my back and also say no to the trap bar. That is not a position a person can hold.
about two hundred and fifty dollars. Shark rating 2.5.
I would wear this on walks. I already walk. A walk in a weighted vest is a workout, which means the walk counts, which means the whole exercise situation is solved and I can stop thinking about it. This may be the most sensible thing on the list. It is not. But it may be.
about ninety dollars. Shark rating 2.7.
Thirty seconds on, thirty seconds off, and by the end of four minutes I am on the floor of the garage, in the rubber mats, and that is a feeling I am paying for. Also the rope makes a satisfying sound when it hits the rubber. That should be worth something.
about one hundred and thirty dollars. Shark rating 2.3.
The sandbag is a very honest object. It does not care about your mood. It is a sack of sand and it will make you carry it. I respect that and I would like to own it.
about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 2.0.
For jumping. I will start low. I will progress to the middle one. The tall one is there as a goal, standing quietly in the corner, judging me, which is a service.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 3.2.
Cheap, folds up, and gives the garage the look of a place where athletes train. I could do the drills or I could just leave it out to set the tone. I am leaving options open.
about thirty-five dollars. Shark rating 3.0.
A jump rope is the entire gym for a person who is going somewhere and does not want to carry anything. I am not going anywhere. I still want it.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 3.4.
The bands are the thing I would actually use while the rest of this arrives, which is a real point in their favor and a slightly embarrassing point against the rest.
Bluetooth speaker, garage rated
about one hundred and fifty dollars. Shark rating 2.6.
The gym had a sound system. It played the same eleven songs. I can do better than the same eleven songs. This is the only purchase on this list I am absolutely certain about and it is the one Donna laughed at. I heard her.
about one hundred and eighty dollars. Shark rating 3.1.
The gym had air conditioning. The garage has a door that opens. A wall fan in the corner would make the open door work twice as hard, and I would sweat less, and if I sweat less I will not quit.
about twenty-five dollars. Shark rating 3.6.
Hydration was the reason for the two headaches. I am not going to pretend it was anything else. Two gallons, filled the night before, sitting in the fridge, so the whole plan starts with a decision I made the day before, which is a stronger plan than one made in the moment.
about twelve dollars. Shark rating 3.8.
Chalk is four dollars of usefulness and twelve dollars of atmosphere. The gym banned it. At home chalk is welcome. That alone justifies the building.
about one hundred and twenty dollars. Shark rating 3.3.
The belt is for heavy days and the straps are for the grip that fails before the back does. This is a technical correction rather than a purchase, which is why it sits this far down the list. Donna has not objected to the belt. She objected to the pod. I am learning which items to mention first.
about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 3.5.
The gym offered no recovery whatsoever, which I did not realize until I needed some. The roller is fifteen dollars of foam and the massage gun is the rest. Donna has used the massage gun more than I have and has therefore, in a technical sense, joined the home gym.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 3.7.
Small, useful, and it fixes the ankle problem that has been the unofficial reason for fifteen years of not squatting. I do not talk about the ankle. I will talk about the wedge. The wedge is easier.
about one hundred and forty dollars. Shark rating 3.9.
Flat, hard sole, raised heel. You cannot deadlift in running shoes because the cushion eats the force, which is a real sentence I did not make up. Also I will wear them only indoors, which means they stay clean, which means Donna has nothing to say about the floors.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 3.4.
The bowl keeps the chalk in one place and the brush keeps the chalk off the mats. This is me being considerate about the mats. Nobody has thanked me. I am not asking to be thanked. I am noting it.
about one hundred and eighty dollars. Shark rating 4.0.
Everything on this list needs somewhere to live when it is not being used, and everything on this list is almost always not being used. Four shelves, five hundred pounds each, powder coated. This is the purchase that turns a pile of equipment into a room. It is also the only one that makes the garage look tidier than it did before, which is how I plan to present the entire project to Donna in a single photo.
about three hundred dollars. Shark rating 3.6.
The gym had lockers. This is the locker part of the gym, without the people, and it also takes the towels and the straps and the chalk off the floor, which is the real reason. The real reason is storage. The locker is storage shaped like a memory.
about sixty dollars. Shark rating 4.1.
I need to know how long a rest is. Without a clock a rest is a series of thoughts. With a clock it is ninety seconds, and then I go again, because a clock does not care that I was thinking.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 4.3.
The gym charged for towels. This is a stack of towels in a locker. They pay for themselves in roughly fourteen months if you count only the towels and ignore the pod entirely, which is how a reasonable person would count it.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 4.6.
I am Gerald now. I wipe the machine. I wipe the bench. I wipe the bar. There is nobody to be disappointed in me and I am still doing it, and that is growth, and Donna has no argument against growth.
about seventy dollars. Shark rating 4.2.
The rubber flooring already handles this. The jump rope mat handles it and does not scuff, and it rolls up, and it goes anywhere, and it means my jump rope has a home. Everything needs a home. This is the theme of the post.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 4.4.
Two fans is not one fan twice. The big one moves air across the garage and the small one clips to the squat rack and points at my face. The face fan is the single best idea in this entire document and I am not taking questions.
about sixty dollars. Shark rating 4.7.
A gym has a first aid kit on the wall. Ours would too. This is the only item on the list where the argument is not that I will use it. The argument is that I hope I will not, and that is the correct argument, and it is the correct way to end a list of this length, because it is the only thing here I would buy even if I never touched a single other item.
about twenty dollars for six pairs. Shark rating 5.0.
I need socks. I have always needed socks. The gym did not provide socks and I did not notice for eleven years. Now that I am in charge of the facility I notice everything. Six pairs, moisture wicking, cushion in the heel. Donna told me to get twelve pairs. I am getting twelve pairs. The twelve pack is not on the list because I am not going to argue about socks.
The gym charges about forty dollars a month, which is four hundred and eighty dollars a year, and everything above is roughly twenty eight thousand dollars, which means in about fifty eight years the home gym pays for itself and then starts making money.
Donna said she is glad I am going to keep the socks and return the rest. I said I would think about it while I moved the cars.