The wine club was about forty dollars a month. That is roughly four hundred and eighty dollars a year. I cancelled it because I did not know what I was drinking. I knew I liked the bottles with the heavy glass. That is not knowledge. That is a preference for heavy glass. I want to learn wine properly. Learning requires equipment. Equipment requires a place to keep it. Donna says the place to keep it is not the kitchen table. I have made a list.
about eight million dollars. Shark rating 0.4.
I need somewhere to learn. A small estate with a few rows of vines and a shed. I would not live there full time. I would live there most of the time. Donna can visit whenever she wants, provided she brings the mail.
about two hundred thousand dollars. Shark rating 0.6.
A cave keeps temperature steady. I do not know what temperature, but steady sounds good. I can dig it myself with a shovel. The shovel is extra.
about ninety thousand dollars. Shark rating 0.7.
A hole under the house. It is not a cave. It is a cellar. Donna asked what happens when it rains. I said that is where the sump pump comes in. The sump pump is extra.
about one hundred and twenty thousand dollars. Shark rating 0.9.
I cannot learn wine without grapes. I cannot learn grapes without vines. I cannot learn vines without land. The land is the expensive part. The grapes are free after that.
about forty thousand dollars. Shark rating 1.0.
Barrels need a room. The room should be cool and smell like oak. I will sit in it and think about tannins.
about twelve thousand dollars. Shark rating 1.1.
You cannot make wine without pressing grapes. Some people press with their feet. I have feet. But a press is more sanitary. Donna cares about sanitary.
about four thousand dollars. Shark rating 1.2.
I was told the old way is best. I will stomp the grapes. I will wash my feet first. I will not invite the neighbors. This is a solo operation.
about two thousand five hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.3.
Caves are humid or dry. I do not know which is correct. A humidifier lets me pick. A dehumidifier is also on the list. That is called balance.
Vintage wine refrigerator vault
about fifteen thousand dollars. Shark rating 1.4.
A vault says the wine is serious. A refrigerator says the wine is leftovers. I want the wine to feel respected.
about one hundred and twenty thousand dollars a year. Shark rating 1.5.
I need a teacher. A sommelier can tell me what I am tasting. I will follow him around the house. Donna says that is not how employment works. I say that is how apprenticeship works.
about eight hundred dollars a visit. Shark rating 1.6.
Less formal than a sommelier. He can stand in the cellar and nod. Nodding is a big part of wine.
about six hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.8.
Vintage depends on weather. I do not have a vineyard yet. I will have weather anyway. The station will tell me if it was a good year. Then I can say it was a good year.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 2.0.
Terroir starts in the soil. I do not know what terroir means, but I know it starts there. The kit will tell me if my dirt is wine dirt.
about one hundred and twenty dollars. Shark rating 2.1.
This measures sugar in grapes. I will measure grapes at the store. I will get thrown out of the store. The knowledge will still be mine.
about twenty-five dollars. Shark rating 2.2.
This measures sugar in liquid. Different from the refractometer. I need both. If I only had one, I would not know which one was missing.
about ninety dollars. Shark rating 2.3.
Wine has acid. Acid has a number. I want the number. Donna asked if I could just taste it. I said I could, but I would not have the number.
about one thousand two hundred dollars. Shark rating 2.5.
Oak adds flavor. I like flavor. I will buy three. One for wine, one for practice, one because it looks good in the corner.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 2.6.
A wine thief is a tube for stealing wine out of a barrel. I will be stealing from my own barrel. That is still called stealing. Wine has its own rules.
about fifty dollars. Shark rating 2.7.
Glass jug for fermenting. I will watch it bubble. Bubbling is the part of wine I understand best.
about eight dollars. Shark rating 2.8.
Lets gas out and keeps air in. I do not understand it. I need it. That is the whole relationship.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 2.9.
Wine is mostly clean. If it is not clean, it is vinegar. I do not want vinegar. I want wine. The sanitizer is the difference.
about sixty dollars. Shark rating 3.0.
Removes sediment. Sediment sounds like an insult. I would rather not be insulted by my own wine.
about nine thousand dollars. Shark rating 3.1.
I need to put the wine in bottles. A bottling line does that. I have only six bottles. The line will be fast. That is efficiency.
about eighty dollars. Shark rating 3.2.
A floor corker is cheaper. A hand corker is cheaper still. I want the floor one. My hands have done enough.
about thirty dollars for a bag. Shark rating 3.3.
You cannot cork without corks. I learned that the hard way. The hard way was last Tuesday.
about twenty-five dollars. Shark rating 3.4.
The label is where I put the name of the wine. I am thinking of calling it Steve. The vintage will be Steve. The winery will be Steve. Donna says that is not a name. I say it is a name.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 3.5.
A wax seal says this bottle was not bought at a gas station. It says someone cared. That someone is me.
about one hundred and fifty dollars. Shark rating 3.7.
Bottles on the floor are not a collection. Bottles on a rack are a collection. I am one rack away from being a collector.
about six hundred dollars. Shark rating 3.9.
A small fridge for the bottles I am actually drinking. It keeps them cool. It keeps Donna from using the shelf for leftovers. This purchase prevents a conflict.
about seventy dollars. Shark rating 4.0.
Pour wine into it. Wait. Pour wine out of it. This is aeration. I can do it in front of guests. Guests will think I know something.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 4.1.
Faster than a decanter. Less dramatic. I need both because sometimes I am in a hurry and sometimes I am not.
about forty dollars for a set. Shark rating 4.2.
I have been using a coffee mug. The mug has a handle. Wine glasses do not have handles. That is how you know it is wine.
about fifty dollars for a set. Shark rating 4.3.
The bowl is bigger. The bigger bowl lets the wine breathe. The wine has been through a lot. It deserves air.
about thirty-five dollars for a set. Shark rating 4.4.
Smaller pour. More glasses on the table. I can taste six wines and still walk. That is responsible.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 4.5.
Wine tasting involves spitting. I did not know that. Now I do. I will spit with dignity.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 4.6.
I will write down what I taste. So far I have written the word red. The journal has room for more.
about sixty dollars. Shark rating 4.7.
Books explain regions, grapes, and why some bottles cost more than my first car. I cannot buy the car. I can buy the book.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 4.8.
I have been opening wine with a screwdriver. The screwdriver works. It is not elegant. Donna says elegance is not a priority. I disagree. Elegance is a priority.
about ten dollars. Shark rating 4.9.
For the bottle I do not finish. I rarely have a bottle I do not finish. But if I did, I would want to preserve it. This is optimism.
about twelve dollars. Shark rating 5.0.
The wine cellar is cool. My feet get cold. I need socks. This is the only item on the list Donna has approved. I am putting them in the cart first.
Donna says, “Just buy the socks.” I have already added the cave humidifier.