I cancelled Audible. It was about fifteen dollars a month. That is roughly one hundred and eighty dollars a year. I will now read physical books. Physical books require furniture, lighting, and a chair. Here is what I could buy instead.
Velvet rope for the reading room
about forty dollars. Shark rating 0.4.
Donna asked why I need a velvet rope. I told her the reading room is a sanctuary. She said it is a corner of the living room. I said a sanctuary needs a rope. The rating is 0.4 because she will unhook it and use it to tie back the curtains.
about eight dollars. Shark rating 0.4.
When I am reading, I am not available for questions about the recycling. The sign makes that official. Donna said she will ignore the sign. I said that is why I need a second sign that says the first sign applies to her.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 0.5.
Physical books smell like paper and possibility. This candle makes the whole room smell like a used bookstore. Donna said we have a candle that smells like pine. I said pine is not a book.
about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.4.
The top shelf is where the good books go. I will not risk a concussion reaching for a hardcover. The ladder has wheels. It is practical. Donna said we do not have tall shelves. I said that is a separate purchase.
about three hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.5.
I need to organize my books by title, author, and mood. The card catalog is the only system that respects the Dewey Decimal system and my feelings. Donna said I have twelve books. I said twelve is a start.
about one hundred and fifty dollars. Shark rating 0.6.
Some of my books have wavy pages from the humidity. A book press flattens them. This is about preservation. Donna said we could put a weight on them. I said a weight is not a press.
about eighty dollars. Shark rating 0.6.
A reading room needs a globe. How else will I know where the books take place? I cannot read about Patagonia without pointing at it. Donna said I can look at a map on my phone. I said a phone is not a globe.
about twenty-five dollars. Shark rating 0.7.
A monocle improves focus. Literally. It focuses one eye on the page. The other eye can rest. Donna said I have glasses. I said glasses are for both eyes. This is for the serious eye.
about sixty dollars. Shark rating 0.8.
I do not smoke. But I need the jacket for the aesthetic. Reading is a formal activity. Donna said I wear a hoodie. I said the hoodie is not velvet.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 0.8.
I do not smoke. But a pipe is a prop. It gives my hands something to do while I think about the book. Donna said I could hold a bookmark. I said a bookmark is not a pipe. I will hold the pipe and think.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 0.9.
A glass of brandy next to the chair makes the reading experience complete. I will fill it with apple juice. Donna said apple juice is for breakfast. I said breakfast is a state of mind.
about two thousand dollars. Shark rating 0.5.
Reading by a fire is the ultimate experience. We do not have a fireplace. This is a problem I can solve with money. Donna said we have a radiator. I said a radiator does not have flames. The rating is 0.5 because she asked where the chimney would go.
about four hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.6.
A chandelier provides ambient light. It says this is a room where important reading happens. Donna said we have a ceiling fan. I said a ceiling fan says this is a room where we eat chips.
about three hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.7.
A rug ties the reading room together. It also muffles the sound of my pacing when a plot twist happens. Donna said we have carpet. I said carpet is not Persian.
about six hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.8.
I need to recline while reading. A chaise lounge is the correct furniture for this. Donna said we have a couch. I said a couch is for watching television. A chaise is for literature.
about one hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.8.
A canopy creates a sense of enclosure. It tells my brain that this is a special place. Donna said it looks like a mosquito net. I said a mosquito net is for camping. This is for Proust.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 0.9.
Every bookshelf needs a bust of Shakespeare. It holds the books up and it holds my ambition up. Donna said we have a brick. I said a brick has never written a sonnet.
about one thousand dollars. Shark rating 0.6.
This bookshelf opens into a hidden room. We do not have a hidden room. But the bookshelf could be the start of one. Donna said it would just open into the wall. I said that is a secret wall.
about one hundred and twenty dollars. Shark rating 1.0.
I need a cart to move books from the shelf to the chair. It is a transportation issue. Donna said I could carry them. I said carrying is for people who do not have carts.
about twenty-five dollars. Shark rating 1.0.
I will stamp every book with “From the library of Steve.” This establishes ownership. Donna said my name is already on the inside cover. I said a stamp is more official.
about ten dollars. Shark rating 1.1.
I will put a date due slip in every book. It makes the reading experience feel like a library. Donna said I am the only one borrowing them. I said that is not the point.
about fifty dollars. Shark rating 1.0.
Some of my paperbacks are falling apart. I can rebind them. This is a useful skill. Donna said I could buy a new copy. I said a new copy does not have my history.
about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.1.
I need to take notes while reading. A typewriter is the correct tool. It is slow and deliberate. Donna said we have a laptop. I said a laptop is for the internet. A typewriter is for my thoughts.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 1.2.
Small print is a problem. A magnifying glass solves it. It also makes me look like a detective. Donna said I have reading glasses. I said glasses are for distance. This is for clues.
about sixty dollars. Shark rating 1.3.
A dictionary is heavy. It needs its own stand. This is about ergonomics. Donna said I can look up words on my phone. I said a phone is not a dictionary stand.
about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.2.
A globe that opens into a bar. It is a globe and a bar. Two things I need. Donna said we have a cabinet. I said a cabinet is not a globe.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 1.5.
This pillow has arms. It holds the book so my hands can rest. Donna said I have hands. I said hands get tired. This is about endurance.
about fifty dollars. Shark rating 1.6.
A weighted blanket keeps me calm during tense chapters. It is therapy. Donna said I am not anxious. I said I am anxious about the plot.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 1.7.
Reading and tea go together. A proper tea set makes it a ritual. Donna said we have mugs. I said mugs are for coffee. This is a pot.
about twelve dollars. Shark rating 2.0.
The tea will leave rings on the side table. Coasters prevent that. This is about protecting the furniture I am about to buy. Donna said we have coasters. I said those are for the living room. These are for the reading room.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 2.2.
Some books do not stay open. A book weight holds them down. It is a simple tool. Donna said I could use my thumb. I said my thumb is not a weight.
about ten dollars. Shark rating 2.4.
This holds the pages open so I can read hands-free. It is efficient. Donna said I have two hands. I said two hands are for holding the book. This is for holding the pages.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 2.6.
A book stand raises the book to eye level. It prevents neck strain. Donna said I could just hold it. I said holding is for amateurs.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 3.0.
The overhead light is not enough. A clip-on light illuminates the page. It also does not wake Donna. She said that is a good point. I said I know.
about fifty dollars. Shark rating 3.5.
A floor lamp provides the main light. It goes next to the chair. This is basic. Donna said we have a lamp. I said that lamp is in the hallway. This one is for reading.
about sixty dollars. Shark rating 3.8.
I need a table to hold the tea, the coaster, the book light, and the book weight. Without a table, those things would be on the floor. Donna said the floor is fine. I said the floor is not a table.
about one hundred and twenty dollars. Shark rating 4.2.
Books need a shelf. This is not complicated. Donna said the books are currently in a pile. I said a pile is not a shelf. She said fine.
about four hundred dollars. Shark rating 4.5.
A chair is essential. I cannot read standing up. My legs get tired. Donna said we have a couch. I said a couch is for napping. A chair is for reading. She said just buy the damn thing.
about two dollars. Shark rating 4.9.
A bookmark keeps my place. It is the most sensible purchase on this list. Donna said she will not argue about a bookmark. I said good. It has a tassel.