I cancelled my razor subscription. It was about ten dollars a month. Roughly a hundred and twenty dollars a year. That is real money. Money I can now spend on my face, my hair, and my overall presentation. I want to look like someone who was in a film. Not a specific film. Just a film. The kind where a man walks into a room and everyone stops talking. I have a plan. Here is what I could buy instead.
Vintage barber chair about two thousand dollars. Shark rating 0.4. Every film has a barber shop scene. I need to be ready. The chair is the centerpiece. I can put it in the living room. Donna says we do not have room. I say we make room. The chair is not a purchase. It is a set piece. The shark rating is low because Donna has already said no.
Director’s chair with my name on it about three hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.5. It says Steve on the back. That is how you know I am in charge. When people come over, they will see the chair and understand that I am a man of the cinema. Donna asked why I need a chair with my own name. I said so no one else sits in it. She said that is what the couch is for. I said the couch does not have my name on it.
Film set lighting kit about one thousand five hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.6. You cannot look like you were in a film if you are lit like a man in a kitchen. I need key lights. I need fill lights. I need to be able to adjust the mood. Donna said the ceiling light works fine. I said the ceiling light makes me look like a tax accountant. She said I am a tax accountant. I said not in the film.
Fog machine about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.7. Entrances matter. A man walks through fog. That is cinema. I can use it for the bathroom in the morning. Just a little fog. Donna said no fog in the bathroom. I said what about the hallway. She said no fog in the hallway. I said what about the garage. She said we do not have a garage. I said that is a problem for another day.
Red carpet about three hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.8. For the front walk. So when I come home from work, it feels like a premiere. Donna asked who is premiering. I said me. She asked what I am premiering. I said my arrival. She walked inside.
Clapperboard about twenty dollars. Shark rating 0.9. This is for when I start a task. I clap it and say “Steve shaving, take one.” It adds gravity. Donna said it is a piece of wood with stripes. I said it is a piece of wood with stripes that means something.
Velvet robe about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.0. For the mornings. A man in a velvet robe is a man who has made it. I do not know what “it” is. But I want it. Donna said it will get toothpaste on it. I said I will be careful. She said you are never careful. I said I will be cinematic.
Smoking jacket about one hundred fifty dollars. Shark rating 1.1. I do not smoke. That is not the point. The point is the silhouette. A smoking jacket says I have a study. I do not have a study. But I could have a study. Donna said the dining room is not a study. I said it could be. She said it has a table. I said studies have tables. She said not with placemats.
Cravat about forty dollars. Shark rating 1.2. A cravat is a tie that gave up on being a tie and became art. I can wear it with a t-shirt. That is a statement. Donna said it is a statement that you do not know how to dress. I said it is a statement that I know how to dress in a film.
Monocle about fifty dollars. Shark rating 1.3. For reading. And for looking like a man who reads. I do not need it. My eyes are fine. But a monocle tells people I have opinions. Donna said you can just have opinions. I said not with this much style.
Top hat about one hundred twenty dollars. Shark rating 1.4. A top hat is a commitment. You cannot wear a top hat and be casual. That is the point. I want to be a man who cannot be casual. Donna said where would you wear it. I said everywhere. She said the grocery store. I said especially the grocery store.
Cape about eighty dollars. Shark rating 1.5. Not a superhero cape. A dramatic cape. There is a difference. The dramatic cape has weight. It moves when you turn. Donna said you will knock things over. I said I will knock things over with purpose.
Sword about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.6. For swashbuckling. I do not swashbuckle. But I could learn. Donna said absolutely not. I said it is for the wall. She said no swords on the wall. I said what about in the closet. She said no swords anywhere. The shark rating is low because she meant anywhere.
Parrot about five hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.7. A man with a parrot is a man with a story. I do not have a story. I have a parrot. The parrot can sit on my shoulder. It can say things. Donna said what things. I said I do not know yet. She said we are not getting a parrot. I said the parrot would be for the film. She said there is no film.
Treasure chest about three hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.8. For the living room. It holds blankets. But it looks like it holds gold. That is the trick. Donna said we already have a blanket basket. I said the blanket basket does not say adventure. She said the blanket basket says we have blankets.
Map with an X on it about twenty dollars. Shark rating 1.9. I will hang it in the hallway. The X will be somewhere in the house. I will not tell anyone where. Donna said you will forget where. I said that is part of the mystery. She said you will be looking for the remote.
Telescope about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 2.0. To look out at the sea. We do not live near the sea. But I can look out at the street and imagine it is the sea. Donna said the street is a street. I said not if you believe hard enough. She said that is not how streets work.
Ship’s wheel about four hundred dollars. Shark rating 2.1. To put on the wall. So when people come over, they think I have a ship. I do not have a ship. I have a wall. But the wheel suggests otherwise. Donna said it suggests you are confused. I said it suggests I am a captain.
Diving helmet about five hundred dollars. Shark rating 2.2. For the deep. I am a shark. I should have a diving helmet. It is symbolic. Donna said you do not dive. I said I could. She said you live in a house. I said houses can be near water. She said our house is not near water.
Wetsuit about one hundred fifty dollars. Shark rating 2.3. To go with the helmet. For the same reasons. Donna said you are a shark. I said that is why I need the wetsuit. She said that makes no sense. I said it makes film sense.
Hammock about seventy dollars. Shark rating 2.4. For the backyard. A man in a hammock is a man at peace. I am not at peace. I have a razor subscription I just cancelled and a lot of feelings about it. The hammock helps. Donna said you will fall out. I said that is part of the peace.
Beach umbrella about fifty dollars. Shark rating 2.5. For the hammock. So I am in the shade. A man in the shade is mysterious. Donna said you will just be a man in a hammock under an umbrella in the backyard. I said exactly.
Fishing rod about fifty dollars. Shark rating 2.6. To catch my own food. I am a shark. I should be self-sufficient. Donna said you eat sandwiches. I said I could eat fish. She said you are a fish. I said I am a shark. She said sharks are fish. I said do not tell anyone.
Can of sardines about three dollars. Shark rating 2.7. A snack. Also a prop. I can eat sardines and look like a man who eats sardines. That is a type. Donna said it is a type that smells. I said it is a type that is real.
Fish bowl about twenty dollars. Shark rating 2.8. For a pet fish. I am a shark. I should have a fish. It is like a tiny employee. Donna said you are going to eat it. I said I would not. She said you ate the last fish. I said that was a different fish.
Leather journal about thirty dollars. Shark rating 2.9. For my memoirs. I have not done anything yet. But I will. And when I do, I will write it down. Donna said you can write it on your phone. I said a phone is not cinematic. She said your memoirs are not cinematic. I said they will be.
Typewriter about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 3.0. To write the memoirs. A phone is for texts. A typewriter is for truth. Donna said you will type one page and get bored. I said I will type one page and feel like Hemingway. She said you are not Hemingway. I said not yet.
Vintage microphone about four hundred dollars. Shark rating 3.1. For interviews. I will interview myself. I will ask the tough questions. I will give evasive answers. That is a film. Donna said you can just talk to yourself. I said not with this microphone.
Pocket watch about one hundred dollars. Shark rating 3.2. A man with a pocket watch is a man who knows the time. I do not know the time. I am always late. But with a pocket watch, I will be late in style. Donna said you will lose it. I said I will lose it with dignity.
Cane about sixty dollars. Shark rating 3.3. Not for walking. For pointing. And for looking like a man who has a secret. Donna said you do not have a secret. I said the cane is the secret. She said that is not a secret. I said it is if you do not tell anyone.
Sunglasses about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 3.4. For indoors. That is how you know I am important. A man in sunglasses indoors is either a jerk or a legend. I am going for legend. Donna said you are going for a headache. I said a headache is a small price.
Towel about twenty dollars. Shark rating 3.5. A good towel. Not a beach towel. A bath towel. The kind that makes you feel like you just checked into a hotel. I need it for after the shave. Donna said we have towels. I said we have towels that have been through things. She said that is what towels do.
Shaving mug about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 3.6. For the shaving cream. It keeps it warm. It looks like I know what I am doing. Donna said you do not need a mug. I said the mug is not about need. It is about ritual. She said you do not have rituals. I said I am building one.
Shaving brush about twenty dollars. Shark rating 3.7. To apply the cream. A brush gives you a better shave. I read that somewhere. I did not read that. I assume it. Donna said you can use your hands. I said hands are not cinematic. She said brushes are not either. I said we will see.
Safety razor about thirty dollars. Shark rating 3.8. This is the whole point. I cancelled the razor subscription so I could buy a real razor. A metal one. The kind you keep. The kind that lasts. Donna said that makes sense. I said thank you. She said do not make it weird. I said I am not.
Shaving cream about eight dollars. Shark rating 3.9. You cannot shave without it. Well, you can. But you should not. Donna said you can use soap. I said I am not an animal. She said you are a shark. I said a shark with standards.
Mirror about forty dollars. Shark rating 4.0. To look at myself while I shave. To see the man I am becoming. Donna said you already have a mirror. I said I need a better one. She said what is wrong with the current one. I said it does not have lights. She said you do not need lights. I said the film needs lights.
Washcloth about five dollars. Shark rating 4.1. To wipe the cream off. A small thing. But a necessary thing. Donna said you can use a towel. I said the towel is for after. The washcloth is for during. She said this is getting complicated. I said shaving is complicated.
Comb about five dollars. Shark rating 4.2. For the hair. A man who combs his hair is a man who has his life together. I do not have my life together. But I can have my hair together. Donna said you are bald. I said that is why I need the comb. For the sides.
Nail clipper about three dollars. Shark rating 4.3. Grooming is not just the face. It is the whole package. A man with long nails is not a film star. He is a man who needs a nail clipper. Donna said you have a nail clipper. I said I lost it. She said you lost it in the couch. I said then I need a new one.
Toothbrush about four dollars. Shark rating 4.4. A clean mouth is a confident mouth. I want to smile like I am in a film. I do not smile much. But when I do, I want it to count. Donna said you have a toothbrush. I said I want a new one. She said why. I said because the old one knows too much.
Dental floss about three dollars. Shark rating 4.5. For the gums. The gums are the foundation. You cannot build a face on bad gums. Donna said you never floss. I said I will start. She said you said that last year. I said this year is different. She said why. I said because I have a safety razor now.
Bar of soap about five dollars. Shark rating 4.6. To wash my face before I shave. A hot towel would be better. But a bar of soap is a start. Donna said we have soap. I said I want my own soap. She said why. I said because it smells like cedar. She said you do not like cedar. I said I like it now.
Socks about ten dollars. Shark rating 5.0. I need socks. I have socks. But I need more socks. This is the most defensible purchase on the list. Donna cannot argue with socks. She can argue with the barber chair. She can argue with the parrot. She cannot argue with socks. The shark rating is high because socks are socks. I am going to buy the socks. Then I am going to buy the razor. Then I am going to look like someone who was in a film. Donna said just buy the socks. I said I will. She said and nothing else. I said we will see.