I cancelled the vinyl record club. It was about thirty dollars a month. The club sent me records selected by a person I never met. I now select records from charity-shop crates. The difference is that I can see the cover before I pay. The thirty dollars is not gone. It is waiting to become equipment, storage, cleaning supplies and one or two objects that Donna will describe as a conversation.
Donna said, “You are not going to fill the garage with records.”
I said, “The garage is a staging area.”
She said, “That is what you said about the freezer.”
about two thousand five hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.5.
I would put it in the living room and let guests choose a record by pressing a button. The button would do the work of me saying, “Pick something.” A jukebox is furniture that invites people to stay. We have chairs. The jukebox would make the chairs feel like part of the plan. This is not a safe purchase. It is a jukebox.
about eighty-five dollars. Shark rating 0.6.
It would sit on the crate and guard the records. A record collection needs a guard. The piranha is small, serious and already dead, so it will not eat the records. It is a warning with teeth.
about one thousand eight hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.7.
Charity shops are spread across town. A crate of records is heavy. The sidecar would carry the crate and leave my hands free for steering. We have a car. The car does not have a sidecar. That is the whole argument.
Second turntable for the bathroom
about two hundred and twenty dollars. Shark rating 0.8.
I do some of my best listening after a long day. The bathroom is where a record can steam gently. I would keep the lid closed. The turntable would sit on a shelf above the towel rail. Water and electricity do not need a duet. The duet is the point.
about one thousand four hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.9.
Charity-shop records are sometimes shaped like a soup bowl. The flattener would make them flat. You asked if I could put them under a heavy book. I said a heavy book is not a machine. You said that is the problem with me. The machine would also be a heavy book, but with a plug.
about six hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.1.
It would clean records with water and sound. The charity shop does not clean them. This machine would take the mystery off a record and put it in a tank. Soap is not ultrasonic. That is the one thing soap cannot be.
about five hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.2.
This is the other kind of cleaner. It uses a brush and a vacuum. I need both kinds because a record can be dirty in two directions. That is not how dirt works, but charity-shop dirt is not a normal dirt.
about ninety dollars. Shark rating 1.3.
It would let me look at the stylus before it ruins a record. I cannot see the stylus with my eyes. I can see the record get worse. This is a tool for seeing trouble before it becomes a sound. Replacing the stylus without looking is guesswork with a debit card.
about one hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.4.
It shoots ions at the record. It looks like a toy ray gun. It is not a toy. It is a serious device for people who hear crackle where other people hear music. The crackle is the record. The crackle is also the enemy. The gun is for the enemy.
Cartridge alignment protractor
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 1.6.
A small card that tells me if the needle is lined up. If the needle is not lined up, the record is being read wrong. I would rather read it right. The newspaper has no grooves. This is different.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 1.8.
It measures how hard the needle sits on the record. I have a scale for coffee and a scale for myself. The record deserves a scale. All my scales have made me more difficult. They have also made me precise. Precision is difficult from the outside.
about twenty-five dollars. Shark rating 1.9.
It tells me if the turntable is running fast or slow. A record that runs slow makes everyone sound tired. I do not want my records to sound tired. I sound tired. This would fix the turntable, not me. That is still a repair.
about twenty-five dollars. Shark rating 2.0.
The records come in paper sleeves that leave dust on the record. These sleeves would hold the record without adding dust. I am buying bags for bags. I am also buying a clean house for a record. The record pays no rent, so it can at least be clean.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 2.1.
These go on the outside of the cover. Charity-shop covers have ring wear, stickers and the smell of someone else’s house. The sleeve would keep the cover from getting worse. The cover is already old. Old is not the same as finished.
about twelve dollars. Shark rating 2.2.
A pack of soft cloths for drying records and wiping covers. I have shop rags in the garage. Shop rags are for oil. These are for vinyl. A cloth that has held a lawnmower part is not the same cloth.
about eighteen dollars. Shark rating 2.3.
It is a bottle of liquid that helps lift dirt from the groove. I could make my own. I would need a recipe, a bottle and confidence. This is a bottle of someone else’s confidence. That is how I describe all sauces.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 2.4.
It sweeps dust off the record before the needle gets there. I have a brush for the grill. The grill brush is metal and would make a record into a shorter record. This brush is soft. I am trying to use the right tool.
about ten dollars. Shark rating 2.5.
A tiny brush for the tiny part that touches the record. It is the smallest broom in the house. I will lose it. I will lose it in the crate, which is where the records are. That is a system.
about twenty-five dollars. Shark rating 2.6.
It sits between the record and the platter. It is felt. It would make the record feel at home. The record does not have feelings. The record has a surface. The surface has needs.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 2.7.
This is the other mat. Felt is for one kind of sound. Rubber is for another. I need both so I can decide which one I prefer. You say I can decide without buying both. That is not how deciding works.
about thirty-five dollars. Shark rating 2.8.
It sits on the record and holds it down. Some records are not flat. The weight would make them flatter without a machine. I already have a record flattener. The weight is for the records that are only a little bit warped. The machine is for the ones that have given up.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 2.9.
It holds the cartridge. A spare headshell would let me switch cartridges without taking the whole thing apart. I have one cartridge and a plan. The headshell is the plan.
about fifty dollars. Shark rating 3.0.
A stylus wears out. A spare means I can keep listening when the first one is done. I have a spare everything. That is why the house works. The house works because someone calls the plumber. The plumber does not carry a stylus.
about sixty dollars. Shark rating 3.1.
The turntable sends a small signal. The preamp makes it a bigger signal. Without it, the speakers would whisper. I do not want a whispering stereo. I whisper when I am explaining a purchase. The preamp would let the stereo do the explaining.
about seventy dollars. Shark rating 3.2.
Speakers sound better when they are not on the floor. They also look better when they are not on the floor. The floor has been fine for years. The floor has no opinion. The stands have rubber feet.
about one hundred and fifty dollars. Shark rating 3.3.
I need a pair for the record room. The room is also the spare room. The speakers would make it a record room with a bed in it. We already have speakers in the living room. These are for the records that do not want to be in the living room.
about one hundred dollars. Shark rating 3.4.
For listening after Donna goes to bed. The headphones would keep the record in my head. I already have headphones. Those are for the lawn. Nobody needs headphones for a lawn. That is why I need new ones for the records.
about two hundred and fifty dollars. Shark rating 3.5.
It would run the turntable, the speakers and the headphones. It is the hub. The word hub makes Donna nervous. It is not a hub for spending. It is a hub for sound. The last hub was a smart plug.
about twenty-five dollars. Shark rating 3.6.
I would label the crate dividers. The dividers need labels. Without labels, the dividers are just small walls. I know what the records are. I know what they are now. The label maker is for the version of me who forgets.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 3.7.
They separate the records into sections. Sections make a crate searchable. A crate without dividers is a pile with handles. I can use a piece of cardboard. Cardboard is a temporary solution. So are most of my solutions.
about eight dollars. Shark rating 3.8.
I would write down the records I find and the price I paid. A notebook is cheaper than buying the same record twice. I have a phone. The phone is for looking at the phone. The notebook is for records.
about two dollars. Shark rating 3.9.
For the notebook. A pen would bleed through and ruin the page. A pencil can be erased. I have never erased anything. I have never had the right pencil. This is a correction tool.
about eighty dollars. Shark rating 4.0.
A shelf for the records that do not fit in the crate. The crate is the first home. The shelf is the second home. A second home is called a collection. A collection is called a reason to buy a shelf.
about sixty dollars. Shark rating 4.1.
A cube that holds records and hides them from view. Donna likes things that hide from view. I like things that hold records. This is a rare joint project. We could build it together. She could hand me the little wooden pegs.
about twenty-five dollars. Shark rating 4.2.
The crate gets heavy. The dolly moves the crate without me lifting it. I should lift with my legs. I should lift with a dolly. The dolly has no legs. That is its advantage.
about twelve dollars. Shark rating 4.3.
These go in the crate itself. The record dividers go on the shelf. The crate dividers go in the crate. This is the same product twice. The shelf and the crate are different countries. They need different borders.
about one hundred and eighty dollars. Shark rating 4.4.
Records do not like damp. The spare room gets damp. The dehumidifier would keep the covers from curling and the labels from doing whatever labels do when they get damp. The rest of the house is damp too. The rest of the house does not have a record collection. It has a leak. The dehumidifier is for both.
about twelve dollars. Shark rating 4.6.
I need socks for the charity-shop trips. The shops are cold. The floors are hard. Socks are the least controversial thing on this list. Donna will not ask why I need socks. She will ask why I need forty pairs. I will say the crate is heavy. The rating is high because socks are hard to argue with.
about forty-five dollars. Shark rating 5.0.
This is the crate. It holds the records. It is the thing I said I would buy with the money. It is wood, it has handles and it came from a search I can explain to Donna. She said, “Just buy the damn crate.” I said I was going to. She said, “I know.” The records now have a home. I have one more problem: the crate is full.