I cancelled the Peloton App. It was about thirteen dollars a month, which is roughly a hundred and fifty-six dollars a year, which is exactly one pair of running shoes per quarter with money left over for approximately nothing.
I want to be clear about the logic before Donna reads the list. The app was a subscription to somebody telling me to run. The sidewalk is free. The sidewalk has always been free. I have been paying thirteen dollars a month to be told to do a thing I could do at no cost, in the open air, past other people’s houses.
So the plan is this. Every quarter I buy a pair of running shoes. The shoes are the capital equipment. The running is the return. I have not laced up yet, because I am still in the procurement phase, and procurement is where the value is.
Here is what the money is going toward.
about one hundred and thirty dollars. Shark rating 0.6.
These are the quarter one shoes. I bought them on the first day the subscription died, which shows commitment. They are still in the box. The box is on the counter where I can see it. Seeing the box is most of the work. Donna asked why I did not simply wear them, and I explained that a shoe worn before its scheduled quarter is a shoe with no quarter left.
about one hundred and thirty-five dollars. Shark rating 0.4.
Quarter two. Slightly different shoe, because a serious runner rotates. I am not a serious runner yet. I am a serious buyer of running shoes, which comes first. Donna said, and I quote, “You have not run in the first pair.” That is a scheduling issue, not a shoe issue.
about fifty-five dollars. Shark rating 1.1.
I cannot be expected to build a running program on a floor. The rack holds four pairs, which is exactly one year of shoes, which is the plan. This is not an extra purchase. This is infrastructure for the plan. Donna says we already have a shelf. A shelf is not a rack. I do not know how to make that clearer.
about one hundred and forty dollars. Shark rating 0.5.
Quarter three. Different colorway. The colorway matters because if I wear the same pair twice in a row, people will think I only own one pair of shoes, and I need to be seen as a man with a program. Nobody has seen me in either pair, but the sighting will come and I intend to be ready.
Moisture-wicking running socks, six pack
about twenty-two dollars. Shark rating 2.0.
Cotton socks ruin a run. I read that somewhere and it sounds true. These are six pairs, which is six runs, which is more runs than I have done. I want the socks to be waiting for the runs. It is a motivational arrangement. Donna asked if I am now buying socks again after cancelling the sock subscription, and I told her this is a completely different category of sock and the question is out of order.
about one hundred and forty-five dollars. Shark rating 0.5.
Quarter four. I will level with Donna on this one. I do not yet know what the fourth shoe looks like in my head. But if I do not buy it now, I will be buying it in a panic later. Buying in a panic is how you end up with the wrong shoe. I am buying in calm.
A handheld water bottle with a strap
about twenty-eight dollars. Shark rating 1.3.
Hydration is the whole thing. You cannot run without it. I have not tested this because I have not run. I am going on the principle that a runner’s hand is a hand that should be holding something. The strap means I will not drop it, which is a risk I am not willing to take four times a quarter.
about twenty-four dollars. Shark rating 2.6.
Safety first. Or safety second, after the shoes. But fine, safety is close to first. I run in the early evening when the light is changing, and a man in a reflective vest is a man the road can see. Donna asked when, exactly, this early evening running happens. I said it is on the schedule. She asked to see the schedule. I said the schedule lives in my head and the vest lives in the closet and both are working.
A running belt with a pocket for my phone
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 1.4.
The Peloton App had a leaderboard. I am not recreating the leaderboard. But I do need somewhere for the phone, because a phone in a hand is not a hand that can hold the water bottle, and I have already established the water bottle is essential. This is called a system.
about thirty-five dollars. Shark rating 2.2.
You cannot run if your muscles are bad, and you cannot fix your muscles without a roller. I have not run, so my muscles are in good shape, which means the roller is preserving an asset rather than repairing one. That is a better use of a roller than the one everybody else has.
about ninety dollars. Shark rating 1.0.
The roller is for the legs. The gun is for the legs in a more targeted way. Donna pointed out this is a second piece of equipment for a sport I have not begun. I said that if you wait until your legs are bad to buy the gun, you have already lost. She looked at me for a while and then went back to her phone.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 1.2.
For the day something hurts. Something will hurt. It always does when a man starts a program this well equipped. The tape is the response. Having the response ready before the incident is called preparation, and Donna should be pleased that I am prepared.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 1.1.
You drink it after. I am planning the after, which is the responsible half of the equation. Some men plan the run and forget the after. Those men fall apart. I am not those men. I am a man with a tub of powder in the garage next to a rack with room for four pairs of shoes.
about twenty-five dollars. Shark rating 2.4.
Now that the running might happen later than early evening, the light becomes a factor. The headlamp solves a problem caused by the schedule, which was caused by the vest, which was caused by the running. Everything here is connected and none of it is my fault.
A windbreaker that folds into its own pocket
about sixty dollars. Shark rating 2.0.
Weather. The one thing the app never had to deal with. The app lived in a tablet. The sidewalk is outdoors, where weather exists. Donna said, “Then run when it is nice.” I said, “What if it is not nice?” She said, “Then run the next day.” I said, “That is not a system.” She said, “It is, actually.” I am buying the windbreaker.
about fifty dollars. Shark rating 1.5.
For the days that are not windy. A heavy windbreaker on a warm day is a mistake, and I will not be making mistakes now that I have a plan.
about eighteen dollars. Shark rating 3.1.
I run outside, but I come back inside, and the coming back inside is where the sweat goes. This is the most defensible thing on the list and I saved it for the middle so Donna does not lose attention before she reaches the good part.
about twenty-two dollars. Shark rating 2.3.
Sun in the eyes is a real problem. I wear glasses. I cannot have the sun and the glasses at the same time. The hat handles the sun. Donna asked why the headlamp and the hat do not conflict. They do not conflict, because one is for night and one is for day, and I am a man for both.
about thirty-five dollars. Shark rating 1.8.
For when the hat is not enough. Or when I forget the hat, which will not happen, but if it did, this is the answer. Donna says I already own sunglasses. I own sunglasses for sitting. These are sunglasses for running. Different tool.
A small bag for the shoes and the socks
about twenty-five dollars. Shark rating 2.7.
Everything needs a home. Shoes in a bag. Socks in the bag with the shoes. Vest on the hook, roller in the bag, gun in the bag, tape in the bag. I am building a kit. A man with a kit is a man who goes. A man with a pile is a man who means to go and never does. I am not that man. I have a bag.
about fourteen dollars. Shark rating 2.8.
Every run gets a line. Distance, weather, how I felt, what I ate. The journal is empty. It is very clean. On the first page I wrote the date I cancelled the app, to show where this began. Donna saw it and said, “There is nothing else in here.” I said, “That is what a beginning looks like.”
A cheap watch with a stopwatch
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 3.0.
I need the time. The phone does the time but the phone lives in the belt. Reaching for the belt while moving is a hazard. A watch is on the wrist, which is where a watch goes. Donna asked why I do not just run for a while and stop. I said, “Stop when?” She did not have an answer, which proves the watch.
A stand for the bike we already own
about one hundred and ten dollars. Shark rating 0.9.
I know. I know. This is not running. But the app also had cycling, and the app is now gone, and the bike is still here, and a bike with no stand is a bike leaning against the wall. Donna said, “This is the exact opposite of running outside.” She is correct, and I have decided to live with the contradiction because the stand is on sale in my mind.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 3.2.
If the bike is going to be used, the tires need air. This is the least interesting item on the list and that is why it is going to survive. Donna will not fight me on the pump. She will look at the pump and think, fine, the pump.
about fifty-five dollars. Shark rating 2.9.
If the bike is going to be used, the head needs protecting. I have a head. It is the only one I have. This is not a joke to me.
A running shirt that claims to be breathable
about twenty-eight dollars. Shark rating 2.5.
I have shirts. I do not have running shirts. The difference is that a running shirt is doing something while a regular shirt is just sitting there. I understand how that sounds. I stand by it.
about twenty-eight dollars. Shark rating 2.5.
Because one shirt and one wash is a schedule I will miss. Two shirts and I have slack. Slack is what keeps a program alive. Anybody who has ever started something and quit will tell you the quitting happened on a wash day.
about thirty-two dollars. Shark rating 2.6.
The liner is the underwear. This eliminates a whole decision. You take away the decision, you take away the reason not to go. I am removing obstacles one at a time, and the shorts are an obstacle remover.
about sixteen dollars. Shark rating 3.0.
The first run will produce a blister. Every first run does. This is a fact of the first run. A man who is ready for the first blister is a man who gets to a second run. I have the kit. The kit is in the bag. The bag is by the door.
An ankle support, just in case
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 2.1.
The ankle is the weak point. Anyone will tell you that. Nobody tells you which ankle, so I bought one for the right and I am waiting to find out about the left.
about twenty-two dollars. Shark rating 2.0.
Same reasoning as the ankle, applied one joint up. I am building a body of protection around a body that has not moved.
A cold pack that wraps around the joint
about eighteen dollars. Shark rating 2.4.
Because the knee sleeve is not a cold pack. Donna said I am buying things for injuries I do not have. I said I am buying them so that the injuries, when they arrive, will find me already at the door with a cold pack, which is a stronger position.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 3.3.
The app counted things. That was most of the app. If I am going to pay nothing for the sidewalk, I still want it counted. This counts it. Donna asked how many steps I have taken today. I said the counter is still in its packaging and the packaging is part of the experience.
A phone armband, as a backup to the belt
about eighteen dollars. Shark rating 2.2.
If the belt bothers me, the armband is the fallback. Two ways to carry the phone is not a waste. Two ways to carry the phone is a man who has thought about it.
about twenty-two dollars. Shark rating 1.7.
The phone goes in one and the keys go in the other. Keys in the same pocket as a phone is how you scratch a phone. I am not scratching a phone after all this.
A running gait analysis, gift certificate
about ninety-five dollars. Shark rating 1.0.
A professional watches me run and tells me what is wrong with it. This is the app’s job, done by a person, once, for the price of seven months of the app. Donna asked why I would pay for this before running at all. I said so that I run correctly the first time. She said that is not how it works. She did not say it meanly. She said it the way she says things that are true.
A treadmill, folding, for the weather
about seven hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.6.
The whole point was to be outside. I am aware. But the weather. The weather is the one variable I cannot control, and a folding treadmill is how a man controls a variable. Donna did not say anything when she saw this on the list. She just set the paper down and left the room and came back and said, “The whole point was to be outside.” I said, “The whole point was to stop paying thirteen dollars a month.” She said, “That is not the same point.” It is close, though.
about forty-five dollars. Shark rating 1.9.
If the treadmill is coming, the floor needs to survive it. This is a courtesy to the house. A house that is protected is a house that permits.
A small fan for the treadmill area
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 3.4.
The treadmill area gets hot. The area does not have a fan. A fan is the cheapest part of this entire operation and it will do more work than the treadmill. I am confident about the fan. The fan is the one I would defend in front of a judge.
A Bluetooth speaker for the garage
about forty-five dollars. Shark rating 1.6.
The app had music and an instructor talking. If I am in the garage, I need something in the room making noise, or the whole thing becomes me and the fan. Donna said the fan is enough. The fan is not enough. The fan has never been enough.
about twenty-five dollars. Shark rating 2.4.
The app had strength classes too. I am not letting that part of the subscription die on the sidewalk. The bands handle it. The bands take up no room and they cost less than two months of the app, which makes them practically free.
about fourteen dollars. Shark rating 2.8.
Cheap. Fast. Done in a small space. This is the best value on the entire list and it took me thirty-one items to get here, which Donna will use against me. But a jump rope is a good rope to have, whatever else is true.
about twenty-six dollars. Shark rating 2.5.
For after. For the blood. The blood needs to move back up. I do not fully understand the mechanism, but I understand that every runner I have ever seen at a rest stop is wearing them.
about seventeen dollars. Shark rating 3.6.
I have been told slow running is the thing. The book is about running slowly. I can read this one, and reading it counts, because it is about the subject. Donna said, “Reading about running is not running.” I said, “It is the part of running you can do in a chair.” She did not disagree with the sentence. She disagreed with everything around it.
A second pair of the first running shoes, same model
about one hundred and thirty dollars. Shark rating 2.9.
I am going to say this plainly. If the first pair works, I want a spare of the same pair. If the model changes, I am lost. Shoe companies change models and men like me are ruined. This is the most sensible thing I have said today. Donna looked at this line and did not sigh, which I am counting as agreement.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 3.8.
Rain ends runs. An umbrella does not end rain but it ends the excuse. This is the umbrella that will be in the bag. I can hear how it sounds. It sounds correct.
An actual plan, written on paper
about nine dollars. Shark rating 4.2.
Not a gadget. Not equipment. A notebook, nine dollars, where I write down which day I will put on the shoes and go out the door. This is the cheapest thing here and the only one that matters, and it took me thirty-seven items to reach it. Donna looked at this line the longest. She said, “This one is fine.” She said it quietly, the way she says things she wants to be true.
Laces, waxed, cotton, one pair
about seven dollars. Shark rating 5.0.
Five point zero. The highest rating I have ever given anything.
The first pair of shoes came with laces. I am not confident in them. A waxed cotton lace holds a knot. A knot is what keeps a shoe on a foot. A foot is what goes out the door. Everything I have bought this year is downstream of a knot I do not trust.
Donna read this one and put the list down and said, “Steve. Just tie your shoes and go.”
I said I would, once the laces arrive.