I cancelled Spotify. It was about twelve dollars a month, which is roughly a hundred and forty four dollars a year. Donna says the family plan is fine and that I am being dramatic. I am not being dramatic. I am being fiscally responsible. Here is what I could buy instead.
about six thousand dollars. Shark rating 0.4.
Studies show that warm water relaxes the muscles. A relaxed shark is a shark who does not need music. I have not checked the studies. But I know how I feel in a bath, and it is how I would feel in this. This is the highest price on the list and the lowest rating, and both of those numbers are correct.
about four hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.6.
You cannot buy the hot tub and then not buy the cover. The cover keeps the heat in. Keeping the heat in is the entire point of the hot tub. Donna asked why the cover is sold separately and I said that is just how the industry works. She wrote something on a napkin. I did not look at the napkin.
about two thousand two hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.7.
This is the hot tub but indoors, which means it works in winter. Winter is when a shark needs music the most. Cancelling Spotify was the first step toward owning a sauna. That is called a plan.
about six hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.8.
I cancelled the music service so I could own the equipment that plays the music. These are weatherproof. I would play the music from the hot tub. Do not say the word “library”. I am aware of the word library. I am asking you to not say it.
about nine hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.9.
For movies on the side of the house. Not music. Movies. Different category. If you ask whether I cancelled Spotify so I could buy a projector, the answer is that these are two unrelated decisions that happened in the same week. Donna asked how many unrelated decisions I could make in one week. I told her I would have to check my notes.
about three hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.0.
The warm sound. The ritual of putting the record on. The fact that you can only hear one side at a time, so you have to be present. That is not a bug. That is a feature. I would be more present with Donna. So really this purchase is a gift to her and I am glad I could do something nice.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 1.1.
You cannot have records without a record cleaning kit. The dust gets into the grooves and then the sound is bad and then everyone blames me. This is preventative. This is boring preventative spending, which you generally approve of.
Bluetooth speaker that is also a lamp
about eighty dollars. Shark rating 1.2.
It plays music and it lights up. That is two jobs for the price of one and a half jobs. I did the math on a napkin in the car.
about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.3.
The pair I have now has a problem where the left one does not work. So I have been in a situation where I only hear the right half of everything. That is not a full listening experience. That is half a listening experience. I refuse to pay a subscription for a service I can only hear on one side.
about three hundred and fifty dollars. Shark rating 1.4.
Cancelling the subscription was the first cancellation. The second cancellation is the noise. I want a device whose entire purpose is cancellation. This is the most on brand thing I have ever wanted. If I cannot cancel an app, I will cancel a lawn mower two streets over. Donna said the lawn mower is not mine to cancel. I said that is where the noise cancelling comes in.
about three hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.5.
These let the sound out, so you can hear what I am listening to. That makes it a household purchase. It is for the whole family. Donna asked what I would be listening to. I said I would work that out later. That is what the headphones are for.
about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.6.
Hers still work, which is why this looks odd. But if I am upgrading my audio, I cannot leave my wife on the old audio. That is not who I am. She said her earbuds are four months old. I said four months is a long time in audio.
Two pairs of open back headphones
about six hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.7.
This is so we can both listen at the same time without talking. Donna asked why we would want that. I said it is a shared experience and the sharing is in the silence.
Amplifier that costs more than the headphones
about five hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.8.
Here is the thing about headphones. They are only as good as what pushes them. If you buy good headphones and no amp, you have bought nothing. You have bought a nice box of unused potential. I am not going to buy a box of unused potential. Donna said the potential sounds fine to her.
about five hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.9.
One for the living room and one for the garage, so I do not have to carry it. Carrying things is how things get dropped. A dropped amp is worse than a second amp. That is not an argument, that is arithmetic.
about eight hundred dollars. Shark rating 2.0.
The tubes make the sound warmer. Warmth is the number one thing missing from my life since I cancelled the app. Nobody has ever asked what warmth costs. I can tell you. It is eight hundred dollars and I am prepared to discuss it.
about twenty five dollars. Shark rating 2.1.
If you leave headphones on the desk you will eventually sit on them. Sitting on three hundred and fifty dollar headphones is a mistake you only make once, because of the cost. This stand is insurance. Insurance is a mature thing to buy and I would like recognition for it.
about ten dollars. Shark rating 2.2.
The cables are going to be a problem. Everyone knows the cables are going to be a problem. I am solving the problem before it exists, which is something I have never done and would like to be praised for. Donna asked when I have ever tied a cable. I said this purchase fixes that too.
about three hundred dollars. Shark rating 2.3.
Rugs control sound. That is real. This is not about the rug being something I have wanted for the hall. That is a coincidence and I will not discuss it further. Eight by ten, because the room is eight by ten, per the measuring I did while you were at work.
about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 2.4.
The room has bad reflections. I can hear it. There is an echo in the living room and it has been there since we moved in, and everyone has just agreed to ignore it. I am not ignoring it anymore. This is a home improvement. I am improving the home. Tell me where the flaw is. Donna said the flaw is that I have a rug, headphones, an amp, and a music app that I pay for. We are working through it.
about one hundred and fifty dollars. Shark rating 2.5.
For the hallway. The hallway also echoes. I did not mention the hallway because I did not want to worry anyone.
about one hundred and twenty dollars. Shark rating 2.6.
If I am going to have all this audio equipment, I should be able to record. Recording is how you make things. I could make a podcast about cancelling subscriptions. The audience would be people who cancelled subscriptions and are now looking for things to buy with the difference. That is a real audience. I have met myself. Donna said the audience is one guy and he lives here.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 2.7.
You cannot record without a pop filter. The plosives. The P sounds. If you do not know what a plosive is, that is fine, I will explain it at length later.
about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 2.8.
The microphone needs somewhere to go. You cannot just have a microphone sitting there with nowhere to go. That would be irresponsible. This is the most responsible item on the list so far and it is not close.
about sixty dollars. Shark rating 2.9.
For the closet. I did not mention I would record in the closet. The closet is the warmest room for sound because of the shirts. That is a known thing. I am not going to argue about the shirts.
about ninety dollars. Shark rating 3.0.
So I can see the gear. A lamp is not a toy. A lamp is light production, which is a utility. Donna said we have lamps. I said we have lamps in the other rooms. That is not the same as having lamps in the room where I am standing.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 3.1.
Protects the amp. Protects the headphones. Protects the lamp. If you own any electronics, this is what stands between your electronics and the end of your electronics. Also I think the outlet behind the couch is fine, I am just not a person who takes that on faith.
about one hundred dollars. Shark rating 3.2.
For the beach. I do not go to the beach. But if I did go to the beach, I would not want to be the guy with no speaker. I would want to be the guy with a speaker. Being the guy with a speaker costs a hundred dollars and I am willing to pay it for a future version of myself.
about twenty five dollars. Shark rating 3.3.
The headphones travel in the case. The case protects the headphones. The headphones cost more than the case. Therefore the case is the cheapest part of the most valuable thing. This is the logic I build my life on and I have never once been wrong about a case.
Headphone amp for the garage, second one
about five hundred dollars. Shark rating 3.4.
I listed this already. I am listing it again because I thought of a better reason. The garage is where I would listen when I want to be alone. I will never want to be alone, but it is important to have the option. Donna asked what the first reason was. I said it was about carrying things.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 3.5.
Everything in the house needs batteries. The remotes, the flashlight, the thing in the drawer that beeps. Nobody buys batteries until it is a crisis. I am buying batteries before the crisis. This is the most adult thing on this list and I would like it noted in the minutes.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 3.6.
The outlet is on the wrong wall. I measured. The lamp needs to be on the other wall. You cannot move an outlet, but you can move the electricity. That is what the cord is. It is a moving service for electricity.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 3.7.
So I can walk to the mailbox and still see. The sun is real. I do not know why this is on the list of things you are questioning. It is sunglasses. Everyone has sunglasses. I have had the same pair since the Clinton administration and the arm is held on with tape.
about twelve dollars. Shark rating 3.8.
The liner has a stain. I have been ignoring the stain for a period of time I will not be clarifying. This is not audio equipment. This is just a thing that should be replaced and I am the one saying it out loud.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 3.9.
The shoes are in a pile. A pile is not a system. For forty dollars the pile becomes a system, and you stop tripping on the pile, and I stop hearing about the pile. That is forty dollars to end a conflict. That is the best deal on this entire list and I want credit for finding it.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 4.0.
The current one does not reach the couch. So I sit on the floor. Sitting on the floor is a choice nobody would make if the cable were longer. This is a small purchase that fixes a daily problem. You like small purchases that fix daily problems. You have said so.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 4.2.
I have eleven socks. That is the problem. You cannot make pairs out of an odd number, no matter how you sort them. I have tried every arrangement. Twenty dollars replaces the entire drawer and ends the sock problem permanently. This has nothing to do with music. This is just something I noticed while looking for the headphones.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 4.6.
We are out. I noticed we were out. I did not wait for you to notice we were out. I am putting it on the list so it gets bought and so there is a record that I was the one who said it first.
about four hundred dollars. Shark rating 5.0.
This is the top of the list and the reason for the list. I cancelled the service. The service did not work without headphones. The headphones do not work without a service. You cannot have one without the other, which means cancelling one and buying the other is not a contradiction, it is a pair. Donna asked what I would listen to. I said I would work that out.
She asked how long I would work that out for. I said a while.
Donna said to just buy the damn thing.