I cancelled the cheese of the month club. It was about forty dollars a month. That is roughly four hundred and eighty dollars a year. The club sent cheese. I ate the cheese. Then I waited. I do not wait well. So I did the math. If I buy the cheese myself, in bulk, I can have more cheese, sooner, and on my terms. The only missing piece is a second refrigerator. Donna says we already have a refrigerator. I told her the first one is full of food. She asked what food. I said the food that is not cheese. She said that is not a category. I said it is now.
about four hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.4.
Donna, the first refrigerator is full. Not of cheese. That is the problem. A second refrigerator is not a luxury. It is a cheese containment solution. It keeps the cheese away from the leftovers. It keeps the leftovers away from the cheese. It creates a zone. Every successful operation needs a zone.
Backup generator for the second refrigerator
about nine hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.6.
If the power goes out, the cheese goes warm. I cannot be the man who let the cheese go warm. A generator is not for me. It is for the cheese. Donna asked why the cheese needs a generator but the house does not. I said the house has windows.
about two thousand dollars. Shark rating 0.7.
A vault says this cheese is not a snack. It is an asset. It also keeps Donna from moving the cheese to make room for eggs. I respect eggs. I just do not trust them near the vault.
Humidity and temperature monitor
about forty dollars. Shark rating 0.9.
Cheese has needs. I do not fully understand them, but a monitor can understand them for me. This is not paranoia. This is data. Donna likes data when it supports her argument. Now it can support mine.
Lock for the second refrigerator
about twenty-five dollars. Shark rating 1.0.
Not to keep Donna out. To keep me out. If I can open the cheese refrigerator whenever I want, I will eat the cheese too fast. The lock is a commitment device. I will give Donna the key. Then I will ask for the key.
about thirty dollars a month. Shark rating 1.1.
If the cheese is damaged, stolen, or eaten by a shark, we are covered. I am the shark. That is exactly why we need it.
about seventy dollars. Shark rating 1.2.
Cheese money should not mix with house money. If it mixes, Donna will see it and ask why the house money smells like cheese. A safe keeps the categories clean. Donna will ask why the safe is in the kitchen. I will say it is for the cheese.
about eighteen thousand dollars. Shark rating 1.3.
Bulk cheese does not fit in the sedan. I have measured. I used a tape measure. The van is for pickups. It is also for the image. When I pull up to the cheese warehouse, I want them to know I am serious.
about nine thousand dollars. Shark rating 1.4.
Not a wine cave. A cheese cave. Different cave. The wine cave post is behind us. This cave has cheese in it. The temperature is different. I think.
about one hundred and fifty dollars. Shark rating 1.5.
Cheese needs a cold surface. Marble is a cold surface. Donna asked why the counter is not a cold surface. The counter has a toaster on it. Marble is for cheese.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 1.6.
A knife squishes the cheese. A wire cuts it. If I am going to buy cheese in bulk, I need to cut it like a professional. This is the difference between a hobby and an operation.
about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.7.
I can make my own cheese. That means I do not need the club at all. I know I cancelled the club, but a press makes the cancellation permanent. Donna said that is circular. I said it is round, like cheese.
about thirty-five dollars. Shark rating 1.8.
If I have a press, I need molds. Otherwise the press is just a heavy object on the counter. Donna has enough heavy objects on the counter. This one has a purpose.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 1.9.
Wax protects the cheese. It also makes the cheese look official. I will write the date on the wax. I will not write the price.
about twelve dollars. Shark rating 2.0.
The club wrapped cheese in paper. I can wrap cheese in paper. This is not complicated. This is the part of the operation I can definitely do.
about one hundred dollars. Shark rating 2.1.
The paper is good for the short term. The vacuum sealer is for the long term. I am not going to eat forty pounds of cheese in one week. Donna asked why I would buy forty pounds of cheese. I said because the club was only sending a little.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 2.2.
Every cheese needs a name and a date. If I do not label the cheese, I will eat a young cheese thinking it is an old cheese. That is how mistakes happen.
Chalkboard for cheese inventory
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 2.3.
The label maker is for the cheese. The chalkboard is for me. I need to see what I have at a glance. Donna said she can see what I have at a glance. It is in the refrigerator. I said the second refrigerator. She said that is my point.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 2.4.
I want to remember what I ate and how I felt. I do not remember what I ate yesterday. If I am going to be a cheese person, I need a record.
about eighty dollars. Shark rating 2.5.
I do not know enough about cheese. A library is how I learn. I will read one book. I will put the rest on the shelf. The shelf will look serious.
about forty-five dollars. Shark rating 2.6.
You cannot serve cheese on a plate. A plate says dinner. A board says occasion. Donna asked what occasion. I said Tuesday.
about sixty dollars. Shark rating 2.7.
Different cheeses need different knives. I do not know which ones. That is why I need the set. The set knows.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 2.8.
Some cheese goes on pasta. Some cheese goes on tacos. Some cheese goes directly into my mouth. The grater is for the first two.
about fifty dollars. Shark rating 2.9.
Fondue is cheese as an event. If I have a fondue set, people will come over. If people come over, I will not eat all the cheese alone. This saves money.
about one hundred and twenty dollars. Shark rating 3.0.
Raclette is fondue with better marketing. Donna said we do not need both. I said one is for winter and one is for when the winter one is dirty.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 3.1.
A dome keeps the cheese fresh. It also makes the cheese look like it is under arrest. I find that motivating.
about twenty-five dollars. Shark rating 3.2.
If I am getting a second refrigerator, the butter should also benefit. Butter is basically a cheese that gave up. I did not say that to Donna.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 3.3.
The humidity monitor is for the room. This is for the refrigerator. I need both because they are different. Donna asked if the first thermometer can go in the refrigerator. I said then who watches the room.
Shelving for the second refrigerator
about seventy dollars. Shark rating 3.4.
The second refrigerator will be full of cheese. The cheese needs shelves. The shelves need to be strong. I am not going to stack cheese on the floor like an animal. I am a shark.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 3.5.
Boxes keep the cheese organized. Organization is how you avoid buying the same cheese twice. I have bought the same cheese twice. Donna was there. She remembers.
about eighty dollars. Shark rating 3.6.
The delivery van gets the cheese home. The hand truck gets the cheese inside. I am not carrying forty pounds of cheese up the steps. I have a back. Donna also has a back. She is not carrying it either.
about sixty dollars. Shark rating 3.7.
The hand truck is for the steps. The cart is for the kitchen. I need to move cheese from the second refrigerator to the board. That is a journey.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 3.8.
The cheese board is for serving. The cutting board is for cutting. If I use the cheese board to cut, Donna will say I ruined the cheese board. She will be right.
about eight dollars. Shark rating 4.0.
Cheesecloth is useful for draining, wrapping, and covering. It costs almost nothing. It is the responsible purchase on this list.
about six dollars. Shark rating 4.1.
Parchment paper goes under cheese. It goes between cheese. It goes on the shelf. It prevents sticking. It is not exciting. Neither is Donna’s face when I explain the generator again.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 4.2.
Cheese is messy. I am messy. Paper towels are how we meet in the middle.
about twelve dollars. Shark rating 4.4.
After all of this, the cheese board will need washing. The knives will need washing. The second refrigerator will need washing. Donna asked why the second refrigerator needs washing if it only has cheese in it. I said because I will spill the cheese. She said just buy the damn thing. I am buying the dish soap first.